Dear Dad

I have been missing from my blog for quite a while, I can make up a million excuses for the reason why but there is one simple answer; I have been dealing with a lot on an emotional level. I chose to write this blog to explain what I'm going through at the moment. My life is by no means perfect, but I thought it was up until now. I know this may sound dramatic of me but I've been so deeply hurt that in my heart I truly feel this way. If you've read my blogs before this then you know I have a really good relationship with my parents, and you also know that I just recently made one of the hardest decisions of my life, and that was to take a different route to achieving my dreams. Now you are probably still wondering why the title is about my dad, and honestly it's because he is the reason why I have been so hurt lately. My parents aren't perfect but when it always came down to it my dad was my go to person. My dad was everything to me for such a long time, I idolized my father and everything he stood for even if he wasn't right. You may wonder why and my answer to that is because my dad was always there for me no matter what and he never gave up on me, until now. I  always thought that there is one person in this world who could never betray me or give up on me, and it was him. He was always telling me, "Caroline I don't care what you grow up to be as long as you love what you do and you work hard, then you're doing it right." I always thought that I had the coolest dad, I wanted to grow up and be everything he ever dreamed I could be. Until our dreams suddenly didn't coincide, he was mad when he found out I was quitting college. Ever since I broke that news to him its like I formed the plague and he wanted nothing to do with me or my dreams any more. This was a total shock to me and it has hurt me so much because I thought he cared about me, I know he still loves me but he's always supported me until now. I never wanted to disappoint him but I just wasn't college material, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get into the college scene. If disappointing my dad wasn't heartbreaking enough he calls me the day after my birthday and says he's cutting me off financially and by that I mean he is no longer paying any of my bills. I am twenty years old and it is time for me to start having responsibilities but where I live it is so hard to find a job, especially one that pays well. He gave me two months to get my ducks in a row, now this means I'm going to have to postpone my dreams of becoming a dog trainer to find a job to start paying my bills and save for my schooling fees because he no longer wants to help me out with anything financially. So now that you are up to speed on my life I just want to write this letter to my father to get my feelings out, he will probably never read this but I'm doing this for me not for him. Here goes nothing....
Dear Dad,
You were never one to break promises, your word was always golden to me. I know you have never been perfect but in my eyes you were. I'm at the point now where I don't even want to speak to you because of all the ways you've gone back on your word. I have always been by your side through it all and you've been by mine up until this point and I just can't understand why you would chose now to abandon me. I have never been more lost in my life than right now and you've chosen for unknown reasons to rid yourself of me. I just feel so betrayed by you because you always said you'd support me and my dreams and now because you don't approve of what I want to do with my life you chose to hurt me in any way you can. Well, you didn't raise someone who just gives up with things get tough, I've cried many nights, my heart hurts but I know the only way to move past this is to prove to myself I'm better than what you think I am. So I hope one day you realize that you were so wrong, when I am successful and at the peak of my life and my goals you hang your head in shame because I know my worth. My mom raised me to be independent and not count on anyone but myself, so dad I don't need you and your negativity in my life anymore because I have a life that I need to put back together from your wreckage. I respect myself too much to rely on you for anything any more, I have plenty of people who may not agree with my choices but they are still supporting me, unlike you dad. So thank you for a good childhood but now it's time to be a grown woman and start my life without all your hurt. I'll always love you but right now I just can't even speak to you. One day I'll get over this, it may not be any time soon but I have a forgiving heart and I know that I'll be able to forgive you, but for right now I want to stay mad.

Sorry if this was morbid in any way, growing up you think of your parents as your role models and when they decide to break that vision you have of them, feelings like these emerge. I never thought that anyone could let me down the way he did, but I was wrong. If you are going through anything like this then I can relate and I want to apologize to you, because I know how badly it hurts. I'm sorry that someone let you down, it sucks but the best part is when you can pick yourself up and start living for yourself and not that person anymore. It will give you the upper hand and some empowerment.

My two go to quotes while dealing with this are:
"The only thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision..." -Neil Gaiman
"Someday you're going to look back on your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing..." -Elizabeth Gilbert

Sending my love to anyone who is hurting, just know that it may not get easier or better right away but you have to get out of your own way and make your life what YOU want it to be not what OTHER people want it to be.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and experience my life with me,
Caroline