Most people these days have experienced in some form or another the loss of a loved one or someone who they were close to. I'm not an expert on feelings or how to cope with these losses, but I wanted share some of my experiences with you. The first major death in my family that I can actually remember and that meant a lot to me was my grandmother. My grandma was very sick when I was growing up and I did not really comprehend how sick she was until I was older. When you are young you don't really understand those kinds of things, at least I didn't. I use to love spending time with my grandma, some of my favorite memories of her were when we would eat her favorite banana flavored popsicles or when I would sit and give her a foot massage. These were the times we connected most and really sat down with just each other and talked. I loved my grandma more than she ever knew and I know in my heart she felt the same love for me. She passed away when I was about eleven or twelve and her death was the first major one I went through. I was so young and so upset, that I just cried and cried. They brought my grandma in her home to pass away, we surrounded her and let her know we all loved her. My biggest regret was that I was there that day but I chose to leave because it was just too much for me to handle. At the end of her life she could not speak nor really communicate with anyone, she just kind of laid there. I remember that day before I left her side I held her hand and told her I loved her and that I was going to miss her, I know that she heard me but I just wish she could have responded. The best way I dealt with her loss was just crying and talking with my sister. It will be seven years this August, and not one day goes by where I don't think about her at least once. I miss her even more when special events happen in my life, I wish she could have been there to see me graduate and one day I had hoped she would see me marry the love of my life. I never went through the five stages of grief with her passing, I was more just upset that she was not physically her with me anymore. Now this is where religion comes into play in my life (I don't want to offend anyone, these are just my personal beliefs), even though my grandma is not physically here with me in her body I know in my heart she is still spiritually with me. I know that my grandma was there with me the day I turned eighteen, the day I graduated, and I know she will see me get married one day. These are all the things I truly believe and I will continue to believe. When my grandma passed away my grandpa, also know as "papa" decided he would move in with my father, sister, niece, and I. Grandpa was very lonely in their home without her so of course we wanted him to come live with us, at this point in my life I wasn't as close to my grandpa as I had been to my grandma. That quickly changed since he lived with us, he took me to school some mornings he was also there the day I went to get my license. The longer he lived with us the closer I got to him, he told me stories of the old days like how him and my grandma met. I didn't realize it at the time but my grandpa was becoming one of my best friends. I can look back and say I didn't cherish those moments until now, and some days that is a huge burden to bear. I cherish every moment I ever got to spend with him and all the knowledge he left with me. My grandpa could be a hard person to love sometimes but I never gave up on that stubborn man. He had been through hell and back with his health the last few years of his life. He went through a knee surgery where he was put into a nursing home and he fell and busted it open, he had to go back into surgery. He battled almost passing away more than once, and at the last stint of his life he found out he had leukemia. This came as a shock to everyone and all I could think was, "I don't know how much longer we have." He went back to live at his house after his knee surgery because he had so many doctors appointments that he could not travel over an hour a day just to see doctors. When we found out about the leukemia he had started doing chemo shots, this made him very weak and very fragile. These are only some of his health problems, he had many more. I knew I needed to go see him quick and spend some time with him before the inevitable happened. My dad and I planned on a Thursday night that we would go see him and spend all day with him on Saturday. Well, the next day grandpa rushed to the hospital because he was having trouble breathing. Dad called me from work and said we need to go see papa today because things aren't looking good, so I got into my car and I drove eighty the whole way to the hospital. I was so worried the whole time, I got the call when I was five minutes away saying that he didn't make it. At that point I was so mad all I could think about was myself. I thought, "why couldn't you just hold on another five minutes so I could have said goodbye." The moment I walked into his room and saw him laying there my anger went away. My next thought was, "I was selfish to wish his pain to be prolonged, I don't want to remember him dying in front of me I want to remember him the way he was." That whole day I didn't cry I wanted to be strong for my dad and the rest of my family I didn't have time to fall apart, I was in such shock that I couldn't even comprehend what was going on around me, I was in some denial. I thought this isn't the way he goes, he will walk through that door any minute and this will all just be a dream. I wanted so badly to wake up from this nightmare that I was in. I was mad at God for a little while and I'd be lying if I said some days I'm not, I still get angry. I felt like God took my last grandparent away from me and I didn't understand how he could do that to me. I went through some really tough next couple of days, I kept everything bottled up and I was trying to be strong. Finally, the day of his funeral we had a viewing, also called a wake, and I completely lost it. Seeing him in a casket made it all too real for me and I did not like it. I felt so broken and so alone in that room, nothing anyone said that day could even make me feel better. I needed to just be alone with my thoughts and my prayers. This month it will be five months since he passed away and not a day goes by where I don't pull up the his phone number in my phone and want to call and hear his voice on the other end. Some days are better than others, some days I'm happy and some I'm very sad. I try not to let it get to me but it's all so new that I can't help but cry. I loved my grandpa more than anything he taught me so many lessons, and he always knew what to say, even when he should have kept his big mouth shut he always had something to say to someone. In my heart I knew my papa was tired of living on this Earth lonely and he needed my grandma as much as she needed him. I have no doubt in my mind that they are together in heaven watching down on me and all of my family. They loved us all unconditionally and that's exactly how I loved them. To this day I still cry for both of them, but I try to always remember whenever I need them all I have to do is just talk to them. Almost every day when I'm alone I talk to them, this may sound weird but it helps me. No matter what is going on in my life I find the quiet time where I'm alone and I sit and talk to them like they are sitting across the room from me, and this has helped me tremendously to still be able to connect with them on a spiritual level. Since my grandma has passed away I've had two dreams about her where she came and spoke to me, these two dreams helped me with accepting her loss. Since my grandpa has passed away I've had one dream where he spoke to me, I don't want to share these dreams because they have a lot of meaning to me but seeing him one last time in my dream and speaking to him has helped me get a better grip on his loss. I miss them both with all my heart and soul, but I know now that they are both at peace and happy to be together again in heaven.
There were two different quotes that always got me through the bad days:
The first one is called, Letter From Heaven:
"When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not here to see, if the sun should rise and find your eyes filled with tears for me. I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today, while thinking of the many things we didn't get to say. I know how much you loved me, as much as I love you, and each time you think of me I know you'll miss me too. When tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, for every time you think of me I'm right there in your heart."
The second one is from the Bible (NIV):
"Even the strongest of us have moments when the burdens of life seem too great. It's then the Lord whispers to our hearts... Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
Just know if you are trying to cope with the loss of someone you love, I'm sending my love to you and I hope you can get through this rough time. Try to remember all the good times you had with that person and they won't seem so far away.
-Caroline
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