Dear Dad

I have been missing from my blog for quite a while, I can make up a million excuses for the reason why but there is one simple answer; I have been dealing with a lot on an emotional level. I chose to write this blog to explain what I'm going through at the moment. My life is by no means perfect, but I thought it was up until now. I know this may sound dramatic of me but I've been so deeply hurt that in my heart I truly feel this way. If you've read my blogs before this then you know I have a really good relationship with my parents, and you also know that I just recently made one of the hardest decisions of my life, and that was to take a different route to achieving my dreams. Now you are probably still wondering why the title is about my dad, and honestly it's because he is the reason why I have been so hurt lately. My parents aren't perfect but when it always came down to it my dad was my go to person. My dad was everything to me for such a long time, I idolized my father and everything he stood for even if he wasn't right. You may wonder why and my answer to that is because my dad was always there for me no matter what and he never gave up on me, until now. I  always thought that there is one person in this world who could never betray me or give up on me, and it was him. He was always telling me, "Caroline I don't care what you grow up to be as long as you love what you do and you work hard, then you're doing it right." I always thought that I had the coolest dad, I wanted to grow up and be everything he ever dreamed I could be. Until our dreams suddenly didn't coincide, he was mad when he found out I was quitting college. Ever since I broke that news to him its like I formed the plague and he wanted nothing to do with me or my dreams any more. This was a total shock to me and it has hurt me so much because I thought he cared about me, I know he still loves me but he's always supported me until now. I never wanted to disappoint him but I just wasn't college material, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get into the college scene. If disappointing my dad wasn't heartbreaking enough he calls me the day after my birthday and says he's cutting me off financially and by that I mean he is no longer paying any of my bills. I am twenty years old and it is time for me to start having responsibilities but where I live it is so hard to find a job, especially one that pays well. He gave me two months to get my ducks in a row, now this means I'm going to have to postpone my dreams of becoming a dog trainer to find a job to start paying my bills and save for my schooling fees because he no longer wants to help me out with anything financially. So now that you are up to speed on my life I just want to write this letter to my father to get my feelings out, he will probably never read this but I'm doing this for me not for him. Here goes nothing....
Dear Dad,
You were never one to break promises, your word was always golden to me. I know you have never been perfect but in my eyes you were. I'm at the point now where I don't even want to speak to you because of all the ways you've gone back on your word. I have always been by your side through it all and you've been by mine up until this point and I just can't understand why you would chose now to abandon me. I have never been more lost in my life than right now and you've chosen for unknown reasons to rid yourself of me. I just feel so betrayed by you because you always said you'd support me and my dreams and now because you don't approve of what I want to do with my life you chose to hurt me in any way you can. Well, you didn't raise someone who just gives up with things get tough, I've cried many nights, my heart hurts but I know the only way to move past this is to prove to myself I'm better than what you think I am. So I hope one day you realize that you were so wrong, when I am successful and at the peak of my life and my goals you hang your head in shame because I know my worth. My mom raised me to be independent and not count on anyone but myself, so dad I don't need you and your negativity in my life anymore because I have a life that I need to put back together from your wreckage. I respect myself too much to rely on you for anything any more, I have plenty of people who may not agree with my choices but they are still supporting me, unlike you dad. So thank you for a good childhood but now it's time to be a grown woman and start my life without all your hurt. I'll always love you but right now I just can't even speak to you. One day I'll get over this, it may not be any time soon but I have a forgiving heart and I know that I'll be able to forgive you, but for right now I want to stay mad.

Sorry if this was morbid in any way, growing up you think of your parents as your role models and when they decide to break that vision you have of them, feelings like these emerge. I never thought that anyone could let me down the way he did, but I was wrong. If you are going through anything like this then I can relate and I want to apologize to you, because I know how badly it hurts. I'm sorry that someone let you down, it sucks but the best part is when you can pick yourself up and start living for yourself and not that person anymore. It will give you the upper hand and some empowerment.

My two go to quotes while dealing with this are:
"The only thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision..." -Neil Gaiman
"Someday you're going to look back on your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing..." -Elizabeth Gilbert

Sending my love to anyone who is hurting, just know that it may not get easier or better right away but you have to get out of your own way and make your life what YOU want it to be not what OTHER people want it to be.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and experience my life with me,
Caroline

Looking Back And Coping With The Loss Of Loved Ones

Most people these days have experienced in some form or another the loss of a loved one or someone who they were close to. I'm not an expert on feelings or how to cope with these losses, but I wanted share some of my experiences with you. The first major death in my family that I can actually remember and that meant a lot to me was my grandmother. My grandma was very sick when I was growing up and I did not really comprehend how sick she was until I was older. When you are young you don't really understand those kinds of things, at least I didn't. I use to love spending time with my grandma, some of my favorite memories of her were when we would eat her favorite banana flavored popsicles or when I would sit and give her a foot massage. These were the times we connected most and really sat down with just each other and talked. I loved my grandma more than she ever knew and I know in my heart she felt the same love for me. She passed away when I was about eleven or twelve and her death was the first major one I went through. I was so young and so upset, that I just cried and cried. They brought my grandma in her home to pass away, we surrounded her and let her know we all loved her. My biggest regret was that I was there that day but I chose to leave because it was just too much for me to handle. At the end of her life she could not speak nor really communicate with anyone, she just kind of laid there. I remember that day before I left her side I held her hand and told her I loved her and that I was going to miss her, I know that she heard me but I just wish she could have responded. The best way I dealt with her loss was just crying and talking with my sister. It will be seven years this August, and not one day goes by where I don't think about her at least once. I miss her even more when special events happen in my life, I wish she could have been there to see me graduate and one day I had hoped she would see me marry the love of my life. I never went through the five stages of grief with her passing, I was more just upset that she was not physically her with me anymore. Now this is where religion comes into play in my life (I don't want to offend anyone, these are just my personal beliefs), even though my grandma is not physically here with me in her body I know in my heart she is still spiritually with me. I know that my grandma was there with me the day I turned eighteen, the day I graduated, and I know she will see me get married one day. These are all the things I truly believe and I will continue to believe. When my grandma passed away my grandpa, also know as "papa" decided he would move in with my father, sister, niece, and I. Grandpa was very lonely in their home without her so of course we wanted him to come live with us, at this point in my life I wasn't as close to my grandpa as I had been to my grandma. That quickly changed since he lived with us, he took me to school some mornings he was also there the day I went to get my license. The longer he lived with us the closer I got to him, he told me stories of the old days like how him and my grandma met. I didn't realize it at the time but my grandpa was becoming one of my best friends. I can look back and say I didn't cherish those moments until now, and  some days that is a huge burden to bear. I cherish every moment I ever got to spend with him and all the knowledge he left with me. My grandpa could be a hard person to love sometimes but I never gave up on that stubborn man. He had been through hell and back with his health the last few years of his life. He went through a knee surgery where he was put into a nursing home and he fell and busted it open, he had to go back into surgery. He battled almost passing away more than once, and at the last stint of his life he found out he had leukemia. This came as a shock to everyone and all I could think was, "I don't know how much longer we have." He went back to live at his house after his knee surgery because he had so many doctors appointments that he could not travel over an hour a day just to see doctors. When we found out about the leukemia he had started doing chemo shots, this made him very weak and very fragile. These are only some of his health problems, he had many more. I knew I needed to go see him quick and spend some time with him before the inevitable happened. My dad and I planned on a Thursday night that we would go see him and spend all day with him on Saturday. Well, the next day grandpa rushed to the hospital because he was having trouble breathing. Dad called me from work and said we need to go see papa today because things aren't looking good, so I got into my car and I drove eighty the whole way to the hospital. I was so worried the whole time, I got the call when I was five minutes away saying that he didn't make it. At that point I was so mad all I could think about was myself. I thought, "why couldn't you just hold on another five minutes so I could have said goodbye." The moment I walked into his room and saw him laying there my anger went away. My next thought was, "I was selfish to wish his pain to be prolonged, I don't want to remember him dying in front of me I want to remember him the way he was." That whole day I didn't cry I wanted to be strong for my dad and the rest of my family I didn't have time to fall apart, I was in such shock that I couldn't even comprehend what was going on around me, I was in some denial. I thought this isn't the way he goes, he will walk through that door any minute and this will all just be a dream. I wanted so badly to wake up from this nightmare that I was in. I was mad at God for a little while and I'd be lying if I said some days I'm not, I still get angry. I felt like God took my last grandparent away from me and I didn't understand how he could do that to me. I went through some really tough next couple of days, I kept everything bottled up and I was trying to be strong. Finally, the day of his funeral we had a viewing, also called a wake, and I completely lost it. Seeing him in a casket made it all too real for me and I did not like it. I felt so broken and so alone in that room, nothing anyone said that day could even make me feel better. I needed to just be alone with my thoughts and my prayers. This month it will be five months since he passed away and not a day goes by where I don't pull up the his phone number in my phone and want to call and hear his voice on the other end. Some days are better than others, some days I'm happy and some I'm very sad. I try not to let it get to me but it's all so new that I can't help but cry. I loved my grandpa more than anything he taught me so many lessons, and he always knew what to say, even when he should have kept his big mouth shut he always had something to say to someone. In my heart I knew my papa was tired of living on this Earth lonely and he needed my grandma as much as she needed him. I have no doubt in my mind that they are together in heaven watching down on me and all of my family. They loved us all unconditionally and that's exactly how I loved them. To this day I still cry for both of them, but I try to always remember whenever I need them all I have to do is just talk to them. Almost every day when I'm alone I talk to them, this may sound weird but it helps me. No matter what is going on in my life I find the quiet time where I'm alone and I sit and talk to them like they are sitting across the room from me, and this has helped me tremendously to still be able to connect with them on a spiritual level. Since my grandma has passed away I've had two dreams about her where she came and spoke to me, these two dreams helped me with accepting her loss. Since my grandpa has passed away I've had one dream where he spoke to me, I don't want to share these dreams because they have a lot of meaning to me but seeing him one last time in my dream and speaking to him has helped me get a better grip on his loss. I miss them both with all my heart and soul, but I know now that they are both at peace and happy to be together again in heaven.

There were two different quotes that always got me through the bad days:

The first one is called, Letter From Heaven:
"When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not here to see, if the sun should rise and find your eyes filled with tears for me. I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today, while thinking of the many things we didn't get to say. I know how much you loved me, as much as I love you, and each time you think of me I know you'll miss me too. When tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, for every time you think of me I'm right there in your heart."

The second one is from the Bible (NIV):
"Even the strongest of us have moments when the burdens of life seem too great. It's then the Lord whispers to our hearts... Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Just know if you are trying to cope with the loss of someone you love, I'm sending my love to you and I hope you can get through this rough time. Try to remember all the good times you had with that person and they won't seem so far away.

-Caroline

Unconditional Love

Many people who know me personally know that I have a slight obsession with my dog. I treat her like she is my child; she is beyond spoiled. If you really knew me you would know that my love for animals is something that helps me cope on a day to day basis. In December 2012 I had a major emotional break down I just moved away from my mom, got my first job, and started college all within those few months. I felt very lost, vulnerable and very overwhelmed, I let my emotions get the best of me and I felt completely broken. I was at work when I felt this feeling come over me, I told my work that I needed to leave early because I was not feeling well. On my way home I pulled over and called my mom and I was sobbing, I didn't have words I just knew I needed my mom who was two hours away. My boyfriend had to come pick me up and drive me back home, when I got home I got in the hottest shower I could stand and I just cried it all out. That night was one of the scariest nights of my life I felt so broken and torn apart and I didn't know what I was going to do. After crying myself to sleep that night I woke up the next morning and I knew that I could not just run back to my mom's and live with her again, I was an adult and I needed to figure out my situation on my own. I knew I needed something that could help take my mind off all the stress and heartache I had been feeling, I just wasn't quite sure what that "something" was. I knew deep down in my heart I wanted a dog, but my dad wouldn't let me have a dog inside his house, he has never allowed animals in his house. I begged him for about two or three months to let me have an animal, and the best compromise we could come up with was having an outside dog. I wasn't too fond of this idea of an outside only dog, so one night I brought a puppy to my boyfriend's parents house and they let me keep her there a few days until I could figure things out with my dad. Well of course my dad did not like the idea of her being inside so he told me no, so I brought her back to my boyfriend's parents house where she now lives full time inside. Lola helped show me what unconditional love is really all about. She not only saved me but she showed me that no matter how bad my life was I always had her by my side helping me along the way. I made sure I could be the best "dog mom" I could be for her, I always wanted to do right by her. For the first couple of months of her life I woke up at all hours of the morning to take her out to potty, cleaned up plenty of accidents, and watched her grow. There were many mornings I thought to myself, "what the heck was I thinking getting a puppy, I know nothing about raising a puppy." In my heart I knew that this is what I was meant to be doing, raising this puppy and teaching her how to be a well balanced dog. I have taught her many tricks and she was fully potty trained within three to four months of us continually practicing how to go outside. I never knew how much I could love a dog until I found her. I truly believe to this day that I did not save her that night, she saved me. She helped me out of a really dark place in my life and if it were not for her who knows where I would be right now. Lola just turned a year old on January 1, 2014 and she still to this day amazes me at how smart she is. She gave me a sense of hope when I had none, and she also helped me realize the potential I have. She has shown me my career path, which I never knew what I wanted to do until I had her. Now I know in my heart that I was meant to be a dog trainer and not only train dogs but help people. I have always wanted to work with animals I just never knew under what circumstances and Lola helped me to realize this. Training Lola helped me enjoy myself and figure out what makes me happy, while also making her an awesome dog (I may be a little bias). Unconditional love is an amazing thing to experience, the look in her eyes when I come home each night proves to me that she loves me no matter what.

My favorite quote: "Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them, and filling an emptiness we didn't even know we had."

Thank you for taking the time to go on this journey with me,
Caroline

Courage, Fear, and Chasing My Dreams

Ever since I started college back in the fall of 2012 I have been trying to figure out what most people already have figured out, what they want to do for the rest of their life. This for me was always such a difficult thing, I had no clue what I wanted to be. So, I thought long and hard while I took basic college classes to get me by until I could figure out my career path. I tried criminal justice and I absolutely did not like it, so I went back just to taking basic classes to pass the time. I was never truly happy in the college atmosphere, I just didn't get why most people loved college. I figured out that I did not want to be stuck behind a desk everyday, that I wanted a job where I knew my time was making a difference in someone's life. So over this past December I thought about going to school to become a Veterinary Technician, as much as this fit my broad idea of "making a difference," I wasn't as excited as I should have been. I knew in my heart I could not handle another two and a half stressful years of college. So, after many tears and prayers I suddenly knew what I was going to do with my life. I researched a bunch of different schools and information about becoming a dog trainer. Now to some people this may not sound too much like a "dream job," but to me I knew I wanted to work with dogs and this was so appealing. If you would have told me when I first started college that I would end up here I would have never believed you, but dreams change just like anything else. After figuring this out for myself I knew the next hard part I was going to face, telling my parents. I was so scared to tell them because I knew they wanted more for me, and I did not want to disappoint them. I cried many nights thinking about what they would say and how they would react, I was so scared of them. College was starting back and I knew I had no more time left to keep this from them because they would be wondering why I was not attending any college classes. So, one day I called my mom up and told her my decision and she was very upset at me and my choices. That same day I met with my dad and told him in person, he was calm and listened to what I had to say, but my dad was upset as well because "he wanted "more" for me than I wanted for myself," those were his words. For the first time in my life I did not feel sorry, I knew they were mad but I didn't care because deep down I knew this is what I am meant to do; I knew college was never right for me. Even though my parents were upset they have accepted what I want to do and they are supporting me. I have not started school yet but I am so excited and ready for it, I should be enrolling within these next couple of weeks. The school I'm attending has a ten month program that teaches you everything there is to know on dog training. My advice to anyone who is struggling with similar issues is to let go of all your doubts and believe in yourself and your dreams. One of the biggest fears my parents had was "how do we know this is going to work and you are going to succeed," and my reply to that is, "I don't know, but I believe in myself and I'm ready to give it a chance." I have high hopes for myself and this journey I'm on, it is not always going to be beautiful but it's my life and I can choose to make it beautiful. I am so ready to jump in and make my dreams my reality. 

I'm going to end this post with a quote that has really helped me through all of this and that gives me hope on the days I feel down.

"If you want to be successful, it's just this simple: know what you are doing, love what you are doing, and believe in what you are doing." - Will Rogers

I believe in you even if you don't believe in yourself,

Caroline

Get To Know Me Part Two

Okay so picking up where I left off in part one, When I was in middle school my older sister had my first niece and I became an Aunt Caroline. Honestly that little girl to this day is the best thing that ever happened to me, I love my niece with all my heart and she taught me so much. My sister moved in with my dad and I after she had my niece so the first couple years of her life I got to be there for everything. It is truly amazing how much love you can have for a baby that's not even yours. I didn't like her stinky diapers or baby spit up but I still loved her in spite of all that. When I was in the seventh grade I lost my grandma and that was the first major loss I had ever been through in my life. It was devastating to me, but in my heart I knew how unhealthy she had been and I knew that she was now at peace. I still miss her every single day and she crosses my mind almost every day as well. After she passed my grandfather came to live with us. When I was in the ninth grade I met this guy, we started out as just friends but eventually I realized how nice he was and I started dating him. I was so nervous because things got serious really fast with him and I was so nervous the day he came to my house and met my dad. I didn't hit it off with his family right away, and I never understood why until recently. My biggest problem that people have with me is I am a very shy person and I don't say much when I meet someone and I guess because his family was loud and outgoing they took my silence as a threat. After dating my boyfriend for a year I decided to switch from my private school to his public school. When I switched schools I had this new found freedom where I thought I could skip school and do whatever I wanted, well this worked out really well until the day I went to get my driver's license and the school called my dad because it was day sixteen I had not been in school. My dad when irate and sent me to live with my mother, at this time I was in the end of my sophomore year and I was devastated. I didn't want to leave my boyfriend or my dad, I was so heartbroken. I didn't know where my relationship was going at this point but I knew I loved him and I wasn't ready for it to all be over. I cried and cried for days and after talking about it a million and one times my boyfriend and I vowed that we would make it work no matter what, and that's what we did. He came and saw me on weekends and sometimes I went to see him, I still wasn't allowed to get my driver's license so my dad would have to come get me from my mom's house. I hated my school, I had no friends and my mom made me ride the bus. I remember my first day getting off that bus I barely got off the bus before I busted out into tears. I was so heartbroken and disappointed at the choices and decisions I had made that got me here in a town where I knew no one and no one wanted to get to know me. I did not fit in at all when I started the high school down at my mom's, I ate lunch alone and I stood alone in the mornings out side my first class before it started, things could not get worse for me at that point. I felt like I had hit rock bottom and there was no up, I spent so many nights sobbing because I had no one. Until one day this girl finally talked to me, she was so nice and I was so happy to have a friend. After I met her she introduced me to so many people and we even had a class together so she helped me make friends and she sat with me at lunch. My junior year went better, I met people and had friends and I FINALLY got my license. I was so happy getting my license that I would be able to see my boyfriend more and more. My senior year I switched schools again, I know I went to a different school every year I was in high school, and I made friends quicker at this charter school because it was a smaller school and people seemed to be more accepting. I went through so much grief my senior year to try and graduate on time, I was taking college classes, high school classes, night classes, and last but not least and online class. I was very stressed all the time and struggled but I managed to graduate in May 2012 and it was one of the best days of my life. I had went from almost dropping out of school and failing my sophomore year to coming out on top and graduating on time my senior year. Being sent to my mom's was a blessing in disguise I got to become closer to her and better my education and it tested my relationship, showing me that if you really love someone and trust them distance does not matter. After graduating I made the really hard decision to move back to my dad's and go to college near him so I could see my boyfriend more (We've been together now for about five and a half years). I miss my mom every day but i still go and see her when I can. In September 2013 I lost my grandpa, who I grew really close to after he moved in with us, I was devastated. I was only five minutes away from the hospital when I got the call that he had passed away. When I got to the hospital I was in complete shock I didn't cry I didn't do anything really, I just kind of felt lost. This was my second major loss in my life and it hurt so bad but I know in my heart my grandpa is in a better place and is out of pain and I know he does not miss my grandma anymore. Knowing he was with my grandma in heaven finally is what helped bring me peace. The day I finally cried was the day of his viewing (also known as a wake). I saw him in the casket and I lost it, I knew that this was really the last time I would see him and the completely broke my heart. 

So this is my life and I have had quite a few hard lesson I've had to learn but I feel like in the end it has made me a better person. I have a little more going on with me right now but I want to write about it in a different way than this so that will be in my next post!

Thank you as always for reading and taking your time to go on my journey. I hope you never feel like you're alone on your journey because there is always someone out there who loves you for YOU! 

-Caroline     

Get To Know Me Part One

I'm just going to jump right in and let you get a quick overview of who I am, and what my life has been like these past 19 (almost 20) years. I guess the first thing that I should start out with is that I was born in Florida, and I've lived here my entire life. I grew up with two older sisters and divorced parents, some may think that is the worst thing that can happen to a child but in my case I had an awesome childhood, even though my parents were separated. My parents came together for birthdays and holidays just for us kids, they always made an effort to be there for my sisters and I. I was very close to my grandparents as a child because when my dad would come get me on the weekends from my mom's house that is where my dad would take me first. I absolutely adored my grandparents and loved visiting them as much as possible. In my mind and looking back on my life I was never really a "kid" I always had a hunger for knowledge. I was one of those annoying children always asking why, and wanting to know more on just about everything. I had a very curious mind and I needed to question everything to help me learn and understand things better. As a child I was so passionate about animals from a really early age. My father always had horses and dogs and cows and I just loved them. My dream as a child was to become a veterinarian, and work with as many animals as possible. I had such vivid dreams and I just knew one day in some way, shape or form I would be working with animals doing something I loved. Skipping forward to about when I was in fourth grade I moved to live with my dad and step mother (at the time, she is no longer married to my father). I loved being able to see my dad everyday but I really missed my mom. I would go visit my mom every other weekend and on holidays, such as spring break or summer. In my fifth grade year my mom came and picked me up from my dad's (he lived three hours away from my mom) for spring break. I was so excited to be able to spend a full week with my mom, on our way back to her house we got into a really bad car accident. I don't want to take any seriousness away from it but to make it short and to the point I was thrown from the car and things were really bad. My mom called my dad and he showed up at the wreck where I was laying in the middle of the road dying. I hit my head really hard so I was repeating everything and they thought I possibly had brain damage. Luckily since there was traffic on the road there was and off duty EMT who helped keep me stable until the helicopter could get there to airlift me. My mom and dad sat with me trying to talk to me while I laid pretty much lifeless in the road. I then told my parents that "I am going home," to which they replied "as soon as we get you to the hospital." I told them no that I needed to go home right now and then I died, now when I say died I mean they had to bring me back to life, which obviously was successful. Now I'm not sure what happened from the time "I died" until the time I woke up to being stabbed with an IV needle and my clothes being cut off my body. They say my dad was screaming in my face for me to wake up but I never heard him. I feel like to this day that car accident has taught me so much, and only being in the fifth grade I learned really quick that life is so short and it does not spare anyone, young or old. I was very fortunate to have lived and received a second chance on this Earth.

This is where I'm going to stop because this post is getting quite long, but I will do a part two and pick back up with the other half of my life.

As always thank you for reading and experiencing my journey,

Caroline

My Deep Thoughts For Tonight.

I just wanted to start out by saying hello! I am not an English major so excuse me if my posts have grammatical issues. I simply started blogging to connect with people and reach out to share my stories because some times reading or hearing about other people's real life situations help me cope and deal with my own problems. I have been inspired to help people and touch their lives and I felt like this was a good start. I know my blog may take a while to grow and get readers but I will continue to write and share my life with whoever wants to read it, whether that be one person or a hundred. My only goal at this point is to touch at least one person with my stories, but if I can do more than that I will be happy. This is just a short, sweet and to the point post to kick off my new blog. I just want to say thank you for taking the time to go on this journey with me and I hope my writing and my life can help you with yours.

Until next time,
Caroline